What you have to understand about the way I love Evan is this: I am desperate for him. I can’t shut up about him, and I don’t want to. I have heard people say that the sign of a strong relationship is that there is no sign of it on social media because the couple has nothing to prove. That makes me laugh because I am not writing about Evan for you, or at least not to convince you we’re happy. I’m just evangelical about my husband.
He is my laughter and smile and safety. The world could fall away, but if we were together, I would be just fine. I don’t have reason to be afraid anymore, and when my memories scare me, he holds me while I fight a villain only I can see.
He is the air filling my lungs, and he snatches my breath when I catch sight of him unexpectedly. When I fell in love with him, I felt like my real life had finally begun. I understood everything, who I was and what I could be with him beside me.
It feels like this: my heart beats him out, and he saturates every river of my blood until he marinates each cell. He turns my blood into champagne. That’s not pretty language. It’s science, a completely accurate description of a phenomenon that I think about and live every single day.
I don’t care if he loves me as much as I love him. I am just glad he wants to be with me. More than anything, I want him to be happy. Because of that desire – for him to have the best of every single thing under the sun and exist in total bliss – we had this conversation:
Rachel – I read about a woman who remarried barely two years after her husband died. I guess she missed having a spouse she could be normal with because she hadn’t had that the whole time her husband was sick. I want you to have a normal, full life. I am like a physical nonentity. You deserve better.
Evan – You’re not a nonentity! How can you say that?
Rachel – Physically, though, I just take up space. I can’t even hug you. How can this be enough for you?
Evan – It’s enough. It just is. The way you look at me makes me feel hugged.
Rachel – That’s one of the best things you’ve ever said.
His happiness is my greatest life goal. As for me, I’m happy to just stare at him while he reads, cooks, or sleeps. I know I look sweet, but don’t let that fool you; he makes me feral and vicious. I would do absolutely anything to secure his happiness without hesitation. I can forgive a lot, use my empathy to understand where someone else is coming from in a conflict, move on. All of that goes out the window, though, when someone wrongs Evan. I never forget either. May 2012, Washington DC, Evan organized a massive event to train grassroots activists, which was attended by 523 citizens from around the country. Evan was troubleshooting a problem in the lobby when his colleague swooped in and began bragging about the 523 advocate training binders that Evan had actually created. He has been over it for years. I am not. So, yes, you could say I am more than a little protective of him.
His existence makes me believe in a higher power because there is no way that he – or we – are products of chance. He wraps around the chunks cut out of me by a painful past and lingering insecurities. I honed sharp edges to protect myself before him, and I enjoyed the power of a preemptive strike. However, time with him has dulled those parts of me, which I allow because in my new life, I don’t need razors.
Falling in love with Evan also restored my lost faith because I have to believe that someone is watching over him every second we’re apart. Otherwise, I would go mad, though losing my mind over my love of Evan isn’t completely out of the question…
I never want to live in a world where he is farther than a phone call away. Ideally, that sentence would read “I never want to live in a world where he is farther than 20 feet away,” but I am aware that we need our own identities. This is probably the best indicator that I am not completely unhinged regarding Evan. I am in love, infatuated, even a little obsessed, but not crazy. And if I were crazy, well, I wouldn’t mind at all… as long as it didn’t bother Evan.
And now, a song that always make me think of my beloved Evan:
Okay, I lied. There is one more song that is perfect! However, it’s by my favorite artist, who Evan strongly dislikes… But it is my blog so, play my heartstrings, Iron and Wine!
2 thoughts on “The man I kiss at midnight”
Happy New Year to you guys! I’ll see you Wednesday when I’m back at work. 🎉