The Art of Car Crying

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This one goes out to all the people who can’t cry at home. Whether you are trying to be brave for a loved one or just don’t have the space or privacy to cry at home, I hope this gives you some relief.

Step 1: Park your car somewhere safe, like the edge of a parking lot of a big box store or an off-season community space, such as a pool or tennis court.

Step 2: Be aware of your surroundings. If someone approaches you looking concerned – which has literally never happened to me – don’t roll down your window, just wave them on. They are obviously a carjacker.

Step 3: Let it all out. If you have trouble getting started, listening to sad music usually works. You can also try a crying playlist. This one has 118 songs. 152152149153 This means that if one doesn’t work for you, you can click next until something hits you.  I have included my favorite tear-inducing tunes below.

Step 4: You’ll know when you are done because your mind will start to wander to something unrelated, like if you have enough lettuce for dinner (don’t worry about it; no one really likes lettuce). Also, your breathing will even out.

Step 5: Take ten deep, slow breaths, counting to four as you inhale and six as you exhale.

Step 6: Carry on.

These are my top three go-to songs for crying. The first one completely wrecks me because I always think of my husband Evan. Indie, country, pop – there’s something for everyone (probably).

 

 

 

A Wild and Lonely Belief

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9Dedicated to Dr. Goslin for giving me permission to believe, and my husband Evan, who shields me from the worst of the winter winds.


I am a voracious reader. I always have been, thanks to my parents and grandparents, who planted books around my house in places I could reach even when I was still crawling. They were treasures I was allowed to discover on my own, and as a result, they felt special and personal to me. The books I read in my childhood became a part of me in that they showed me how to dream, hope, and believe. Even now, those stories influence the way I understand the world and cope with the rocks and daggers it throws at me. When I spot trouble coming my way, I snatch up one of these books, opening it wide to use the front and back covers as a shield while I confer in hushed, hurried tones with the characters inside.

Lately the shield I crouch behind is the work of one J. M. Barrie, and Peter Pan is whispering in my ear: “Every time a child says, ‘I don’t believe in fairies,’ a fairy somewhere falls down dead… Do you believe in fairies? If you do, clap your hands! Don’t let Tinker Bell die!” I watch the children bring Tinker Bell back by clapping and shouting, “I believe!” But what good can Peter Pan’s words do me, a young woman dying of ALS? More than you might ever imagine.

You see, I have this conviction that I will not succumb to my disease. I believe I will survive this. I can count on one hand the people who share my belief. I often hear other pALS (people with ALS) talk about their sadness over the special moments they will miss after the monster we are all battling cuts their lives short. On the earth beneath which we have been laid to rest, our loved ones will blow out birthday candles, throw graduation caps into the air, walk down the aisle, paint nurseries, and build cribs. We can only hope they think of us now and then as the flowers of their lives continue to unfold long after our own blooms have wilted and shriveled.

That’s not my story, though. My blossom is wilting because winter has come, not because I am dying. Bitter winds may batter my petals, but my roots are safe and strong. They remember spring and are waiting for it to come again. I have been told not to get my hopes up, and my answer is always the same: “What harm can believing do? If I am wrong, I won’t be around to cry about it.” The fact of the matter – which I rarely endeavor to explain anymore – is that believing is a source of strength for me. After all, Peter Pan said belief can save a life. If you need to hear about the power of belief from someone with more authority, consult another prominent book from my childhood. Open the Bible to Matthew 17:20 where you will find the following words: “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

To me, belief is so powerful because of what it inspires. The magic of belief lies in the way it empowers us to live, and when necessary, fight. I believe that I will be cured, but that doesn’t mean I expect an easy path. I know that only if I work hard and plan carefully, I will survive long enough to be cured. This conviction shapes how I live now. In order to last until the cure, I need to keep my lungs strong and clear with daily use of the cough assist and AVAPS machines. Each day, I also complete two dozen physical therapy exercises and follow my feeding tube meal program. I can bear all this and more – hours spent in the hospital for clinics and drug trials, daily vitamin injections, even a tracheotomy if my lungs fail – because I know that my story will have a happy ending.

This is my wild lonely belief: that I am not a withering rose, but a winter one, waiting with patient certainty for the sun.

Three Dreams and A Dragon

When I was thirteen, I bought a small, blue, canvas-bound book whose title, scrawled in loopy silver script, read, “The Interpretation of Dreams.” I purchased it because every morning, I awoke with vivid memories of three, sometimes four, dreams. About half of them were nightmares, but they didn’t trouble me as much as what I called the Sagas. In those dreams, I lived entire lives, and when I woke up and realized that none of it was real, the resulting devastation was almost as intense as if I just lost actual friends, a husband, children. I hoped that I would find answers about what the Sagas meant and achieve peace by way of the knowledge.

I never found my answers; when I started taking anti-depressants at age fourteen, the Sagas disappeared, so I abandoned my research. However, the nightmares began to run rampant.

Lately, my nightmares have been especially painful. I have three that take turns playing in my nocturnal theater. First, I dream that fierce predators escape from the zoo, lurking the city’s streets, lying in wait for unsuspecting humans to cross their path. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who knows this, so it falls to me to protect my husband and sister even though I don’t have a single weapon.

Next up, I awake on a dark beach. I lay on the rough sand, utterly confused by my surroundings. Then a pair of hands reach down to help me up. I realize too late that they belong to my rapist. Raising a hand to caress my cheek, he says, “We’re the last people on earth. It’s just us. Now we can be together forever.” It’s then that I notice I’m wearing my wedding dress.

The worst dream starts before I even fall asleep. As I drift, memories of the words of my last Lower School Director and the Head of School echo in my head…

“Your students are bored.”

“Their parents lack confidence in you.”

“Maybe your personality is the issue. Go observe the Spanish teacher. Try to be like her.”

“You lack presence in the classroom.”

“Have you considered being a librarian? Then you won’t work with children every day, and you can be around those books you love so much.”

“You’re too academic.”

“Try not to look so frail. Stop hunching over your cane.”

“Are you really teaching if the kids aren’t learning? ”

“Fifth grade is an important year, and we need a teacher so fantastic that families don’t even think of transferring to another school for sixth grade. There are five families thinking of leaving – you’re not a strong enough teacher.”

“I’ve been disappointed in you from day one.”

Then, when sleep finally comes, I am teaching in a classroom with glass walls. I don’t have a lesson plan, and when I see the Lower School Director and the Head of School watching me, I panic, making one stupid mistake after another, knowing each is a nail in my coffin. The dream fades when memory wipes away the fear and reminds me that it’s over now. I survived being kicked to the curb, and – awful as it was to end my career on a low note – they can’t hurt me anymore.

I don’t need the book to pick up the themes these dreams share; in each one, I am caught off guard and helpless. That is the essence of ALS. No one is prepared for the diagnosis (most cases can’t be tied to a family history, and lifestyle seems completely irrelevant). To make matters worse, the diagnosis comes with a decree of helplessness since there isn’t a thing you can do to fight back. I’m guessing that I am reliving the trauma of the diagnosis, but I don’t think it has to continue.

I recently realized that I am not helpless, not by a long shot. How many pieces have I written detailing my commitment to my range of motion exercises, my eagerness to participate in drug trials 135164, my openness to new medications and protocols 136165 to manage my symptoms? I use the cough assist 137166 to keep my lungs strong, my feeding tube to maintain proper nutrition and hydration, and my tobii to prepare for when I lose my ability to speak. I am not sitting on the sidelines watching this monster consume me. I am fighting the dragon with a small dagger, slashing and slicing bit by bit until I bleed it dry. From now on, I will hold this gruesome, glorious image in my mind as I fall asleep. Maybe then I’ll dream of slaying the beast.

Cough Assist

Recently, I got my Cough Assist breathing machine. It will help prevent me from getting pneumonia and exercise my lungs to keep them strong (you know, since I’m not doing yoga and cross training so much lately). It pushes air into my lungs and sucks it out, forcing me to breathe deeply as though running a marathon and then cough as I exhale in order to clear my lungs. However, I’ve used it twice so far, and what it really reminds me of is that machine from “The Princess Bride” that sucks the hero’s life away. I’ve been assured this in fact does the opposite. For now I remain suspicious…

Cough Assist

My sister Laura practices using the Cough Assist on me