By Rachel Doboga "No pills for what I feel. This is crazy!" - Neko Case, "I wish I was the moon tonight" I have medicines to protect me from anxiety, depression, even nightmares, but there's no medicine for sadness and fear. I could have really used a pill for those emotions after my diagnosis and … Continue reading Maladies Part 1 / 2 : All the Pills in the World

By Rachel Doboga The last few months have been incredibly difficult. As I always say, when you haven't heard from me in a while, something is wrong. In September, I suffered a major loss, and my mental and physical health spiraled out of control as a result. I'm still recovering. It will definitely be a … Continue reading Lessons in Gratitude

By Rachel Doboga "Leave my door open just a crack (please take me away from here), cause I feel like such an insomniac. Why do I tire of counting sheep when I'm far too tired to fall asleep?" - Owl City, "Fireflies" Sleep has been a massive problem for me almost my entire life. My … Continue reading Chasing Mr. Sandman

By Rachel Doboga When discussing my fear of death with my beloved and brilliant therapist, he pointed out that I am often so focused on my fears and anxieties that I miss out on the present, on enjoying my time with Evan and my dogs because I am so worried about the future, on the … Continue reading A History of Doubt Part 3/3: Letting Death Take Care of Itself

"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light!" - Dylan Thomas If you read my previous piece, "A History of Doubt Part 1: Secrets," you know I have been struggling with my faith since the age of nine. I actually had a breakdown in middle school over … Continue reading A History of Doubt Part 2 / 3: Rage Against the Dying of the Light

"I believe that prayer makes a huge difference. If not because of a higher power, because prayer is good for the soul. It is meditation, gratitude, poetry and hope all in one." - Anonymous My father set an excellent example of faith. He never doubted, and he told fun stories about growing up in Catholic … Continue reading A History of Doubt Part 1/3: Secrets

The small smiles started a few years ago when I was on the commode. I can't be alone even there because I am totally immobile and limp, so even in the specialized commode chair, I flop right over. Plus, I am completely nonverbal, so I can't call for help if necessary. Add to all that … Continue reading The House of Small Smiles

1. First of all, my mother-in-law is way too dependable. Every single time I am hospitalized, she immediately rushes over to our house and adopts our dogs, rescuing them from where my husband locked them in his office so they wouldn't interfere with the team of EMTs who load me into the ambulance. She brings … Continue reading My Top Three Complaints Against my Mother-in-law

Two nurses and a doctor surround me where I lay in the hospital. I feel like a human sacrifice, a thought that makes me giggle. After all, there will be blood. Quite a lot of it. Evan, who always stays in the room for these events to "make sure they're doing it right" and to … Continue reading There Will Be Blood (and a Little Romance)

To celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary, I have decided to be brave and *gulp* share a poem I wrote for Evan. I wish I had the words to say how I feel about him, but luckily, he loved it. He even told me that he read it again and again while watering the roses! So … Continue reading A Poem for my Husband