“There is no pain… I have become comfortably numb.” – Pink Floyd

“It will work because it has to. It will work because it has to. It will work because it has to.”

I chant this over and over in my head until my body seizes up again. Then I pray to everyone who  might be up there.

“God, Goddess, and Jesus Christ, make it stop! “

“This is killing me!” Evan says, never stopping massaging my limbs even though his hands must be tired.

Finally the spasms abate, so I go back to chanting. “The medicine will work because it has to. It will work because it has to. It will work because it has to.”

Another round of spasms. More prayers. An hour later, the Valium and muscle relaxer slow the spasms until I become comfortably numb and pass out.

I have been dealing with severe muscle spasms for about four years. For the last two years, through surgery and finding the right combination of medicine (the game changer was actually a heart medicine, if you can believe it) the spasms have been mostly under control with the occasional flare up. However, this flare is lasting longer than usual, and the spasms are agony. Sometimes the pain is so bad it makes me nauseous. I am scared because I have almost reached the max dose of Baclofen through my pump. The surgery was to put a pump along my rib cage that is refilled every three months with Baclofen, the strongest medicine out there for spasms. The pump has a small tube that snakes around my torso under my skin and goes directly into my spinal cord where it delivers the Baclofen. I have long scars along my spine and rib cage, battle wounds from my war on spasms.

If the Baclofen is failing, what about the muscle relaxer, Valium, and boatload of preventative medications I am on? I recently had an appointment with my neurologist, and it is now my understanding that most of these medications – my army of defense against spasms – fit into a class of drug called benzodiazepenes.  Evidently, the human body eventually gets used to these drugs and the effect wears off. That’s what is happening with my muscle relaxer, and I can’t help but wonder if this will happen with all my other medications. The thought terrifies me. I just want to be comfortably numb. 

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